Best family education is unconditional love, my own story

ChenHui Nie

I always think about writing something to thank my mother, but I am afraid that my rough writing can’t describe how much I love her.

Today, I have tears, wrote this article, dedicated to my mother, and also shared it with all other young parents, trying to understand what unconditional love is.

The mother is a simple country-side woman who just went school for few years and not too much knowledge. My mother is well known for her easy-going and kindness. In my memory she never had any conflicts with other neighbors. People inside even outside the village all have a very good relationship with my mother.

Mother is the one who has the most influence on my life. I am the first person in our village who went out of the village to university. I really appreciate my mother’s help during all my way. In my village, most people just wanted to be a successful farmer when grown up and very few people took the school seriously. But my mom wanted me to focus on learning, she deeply believed that knowledge would be the only thing to change my life. 

As far as I can remember, I worked hard in school just because I don’t want my mom to be disappoint. Until I got a chance to read Jean Nelson’s <positive discipline>, I found out that the inner reason for me to follow mom’s direction is as result of unconditional love.

Mom’s love to me is unconditional

When I was young, my family was very poor. My father worked out of the village all year long and he just went back to home for around one and half months each year. My mother had to take care my brother and me alone, and she also had to take care of my over eighty years old grandfather. Mom also need to do lots of farm work. I didn’t remember too much of my father in my memory before ten years old, because most of the time he was not at home, he only came back for a month in June and July, and then stayed at home for about 20 days during the Spring Festival. In my memory, my mother always has a lot of farm work to do. I was very sticky mother all the time. When my mother went to the working field during the day, I would wait for her on the field edge. At night, my mother bent over to smash vegetables for pig, I will give her a fan manually.

We leaved in old traditional house when I was kids and Mom and dad work very hard to collect money for building new house. She rarely spent any money on herself and even didn’t get new clothes for few years. I know mom had great pleasure all the time. However, my mom never yelled at me. She tried to give me her best all the time. One thing is till deep in my memory is that she was insisted on making fresh meals for every morning during all my eight school years. What I have to address here is that cooking a fresh meal in my time is really not easy. We had no gas and had to use firewood to make fire. One meal had to take almost one hour. Therefore, the children in the neighborhood just eat the leftovers left in the evening and go to school. However, the mother felt that this was not nutritious, so she had to insist on letting me eat well before going to school. 

When I was young, I like to make friends. Since I went to school, I usually took many friends to my house to sleep over. My mother always tried her best to treat my friends well. During 1980s in our countryside, it was not an easy task to make a decent dish. At that time, we only had meat in the New Year, birthday and several major festivals. Every time my friend came over, my mother will cook a few different dishes. There were a thousand reasons for my mother to say no to me, but her mother never complained, as she knew I need friends.

On my 14th birthday, I brought a lot of people to my home. My birthday is February. February was called yellow and green not connected time. It means we had no plants on ground. In countryside, almost all foods were self-fulfilled. Mom tried very hard to prepare a sumptuous dinner. After the students were all asleep, she quietly pulled me to the kitchen and secretly stuffed me two eggs, saying that it is a lucky thing to eat eggs on birthday. At the beginning, I even blamed my mother for not giving the eggs to the classmates. Later, through the neighbors, I realized that my old hens had not laid eggs recently. These two eggs were borrowed from neighbor.

That was the first time I felt embarrassed about my mother. She touched my heart. It was an unspeakable feeling.

I am very naughty from elementary school to middle school. I was often getting into trouble outside. My mandarin language teacher especially dislikes me. Every time he sees my mother, I have to complain for a little. I also like to bully female classmates, and the female classmates keep complaining to my mother. Primary school principals often called my mother to office, attempt to figure a good way to help me not become a harm to society.

But the mother had never been yelled at me, but very patiently to help to correct my problem. Maybe other people would think mother spoiled me, but I know that this was the mother’s trust in me.

Mother gave me unconditional lover, and she liked to accept the origin me. When I broke the rules, she chose to trust me and take responsibility with me.

Mom’s love has boundary

Mother’s love has no conditions, but there are boundaries. My mother just went school for few years, and she did not know any philosophy and psychology. But she used her behavior to teach me to be a filial person, a kind person, a responsible person, a person who does not steal and a person is very help to our society.

I gradually realized that my mother’s love is full of wisdom. Mother’s love contains tolerance, and tolerance is unconditional acceptance of the true and kind, not to indulge me to make mistakes.

The mother emphasized the most filial piety, and she also asked herself to do so. My own grandfather died when my father was about eight years old, and then my father was adopted to his uncle. When I was born, my adaptive grandfather was already seventy-eight years old. His healthy was not good. Most of the time he was lying in bed. It was my mom take care of him all the time. My grandmother stayed with my uncle around 2 miles away from my house. Mom visited Grandma once she had time, and invited Grandma to come to my house to stay for few days during holidays. Another person, my mom took care of is my third grandma, who is my grandfather’s third elder brother’s wife. My third grandfather joined the army during second world war and never came back. Her own son has mental problem and died early. She just lived alone. She lived next to us and my mom took care of her a lot until she passed away at the age of ninety. 

The most unbearable thing for the mother is stealing. I remember one time stole one melon in the vegetable farm. After my mom knew it, she took me to the farm owner to apologize and paid him the lost. No matter how hard our life was, mom never thought of touch other people’s stuff. 

My mother hoped that I’m a responsible person. When I bullied female classmates, she did not fight against me directly, because she believed that I was not bad kids. But later on, she would take me or herself to apologize to the parents of female students. As far as I can remember, I never lied to my mom.

Because of my mother’s unconditional love for me, I began to follow mom’s direction. I am still naughty and naughty as always, but I am determined from the bottom of my heart to be a person who can afford a mother.

• My mother is afraid that I make friends with bad kids, and my friends have never been a punk.

• My mother doesn’t like me to indulge in reading novels, I never read any martial arts novels;

• My mother hopes that my grades will be good, and I will always keep my grades excellent;

• My mother is afraid that I will gamble and smoke, I will not touch these things at all.

When I was young, I didn’t have any dream. I didn’t even know what university is because there was no college student in my village. The goal of my hard work is not to violate my mother’s expectations, and to make my mother proud of me.

Mom’s love is full of infectant power

Mom’s love is full of infectant power.  It’s very easy for me to feel mom’s love. I attentionally tried to do whatever I can to make her happy. 

I remember that when I was in the first grade of elementary school, I got the best student for the first time. I couldn’t wait to show mom my grad and certificate. On that day, my mother went to the nearby market. I took my rewards and transcripts and turned over several mountains to find mom. When I put the transcripts in front of my mother, she was very happy to show all the neighbors who met in the market. That was the first time I saw my mother so happy. From that time on, I suddenly found the secret to bring happiness to my mother. Later on, I have been studying very hard. I just want to get a certificate at the end of each semester to make my mother happy.

One of the common words in our countryside is said that “Bring up a son in purpose to take care of myself when get old”. But I never heard anything similar from my mom that her love needs to be pay back. That’s the words she usually said: “As long as you are good, my personal health doesn’t matter.” 

After I went to junior high school, my mother began to have headaches, and the short-term memory suddenly dropped. In my ninth grade, I lived on campus from Monday to Friday and only came home on weekends. Once I went home to eat and found that my mother’s dish did not put salt. My mother said, “Recent memory is not good, I always forget something.” After that, she took the dish back to the kitchen to double cook. Looking at the mother’s back, tears could not stop to come out of my eye.

That was the first time I felt that my mother’s body had begun to weaken. Although her health was not always in good condition in the past, in my eyes she was made of stone and iron and never will fall down. At this moment, I suddenly felt that mom got old. At that time, I was particularly afraid that my mother would die. I had a strong feeling of growing up quickly.

My mother saw me crying, came back to me, and said “As long as you are good, my personal health doesn’t matter.” The plain words of the mother are full of strength, and my heart is deeply touched.

When I wrote here, my tears could not help to flow out. This is unconditional love. It is full of infectant power.  

Mom’s lover give me strong feeling of the sense of belonging

For some special reasons, I did not qualify to entry the key middle school when I graduated from junior high school. But I did not feel so sad. Because my mom made me felling that I am the best in her heart all the time. No matter what happen to me outside, I always feel that there is a warm harbor waiting for me to return. This may be a sense of belonging.

Mom felt so sad I didn’t get into the key high school. Mom cried very badly, and I cried too. I know that my mother’s tears are because she felt her can’t give me the best, but what makes me sad is that at this moment I can’t be the son who makes my mother proud.

I went to a normal high school finally. Since then, I worked very hard on study. I am studying all the time, even on weekends. 

At the first few tests in high school, my results were not outstanding, and the results were only about tenth in the class. I was a bit discouraged at the beginning, and when I got home, I told my mother about my grades. Mom told me that it is normal to have new difficulty in high school and she trusted me would be able to overcome the challenges.  She still trusted me and encouraged me. Her words are full of strength, so that I am not overwhelmed by difficulties. I worked even harder and got very good test results at the end of first semester. 

This is the sense of belonging. No matter what kind of difficulty I meet, I will not completely deny myself, because I know that there is such a person, I am the best in her mind; I will not be discouraged and stop, because I also know that there is such a person, I need to work harder to repay her trust.

Mother’s love has made my independent self-esteem

Mother’s love, without conditions but with boundaries, slowly result in my independent self-esteem.

My mother wanted me to be filial, I learned to be grateful; she wanted me to be kind, I learned to make friends; she wanted me to have a sense of responsibility, I learned to face difficulties. So I get the criteria for judging things. This is the sense of value.

My mom wanted me to be the person myself loved. This is self-love.

My mother let me know that I am my biggest enemy. I understand my strengths and know my shortcomings. The more I knew myself, the more confident I am. This is self-confidence.

Self-worth, self-love and self-confidence combine to form an independent self-esteem. 

What is love?

In book of <The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth >, M. Scott Peck give a definition of love as:

The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth

In other words, if you really love someone, you must change yourself for him, grow up together with him.

Spoil is not love. Spoil might be a unconditional love, however it has no boundary. The people given love didn’t get spiritual growth. Mother’s love for me has no conditions, full of tolerance, but it is not spoil, because it has boundaries.

In order to get my spiritual growth, my mom’s spiritual also grew. She had great emotion control. I know she had lots of pressure, but she never yelled at him and angry at me because of her unhappy. I don’t think she born with that capability, she learned to be a perfect mother. 

Mother is my idol. When I don’t know how to love my kids, I will remind myself how my mom loves me. When I am impatient with my child, I will tell myself that as my mom never yell me, so I cannot transfer my anger to my child. 

“A luck person has happy childhood, and an un luck person will take whole life to fulfill what missed in his childhood.” I am a luck person because my mother gave me unconditional love. Thank you mom. I will transfer this unconditional love to my kids as well.